I needed a picture for this post and I like this one. My post doesn't directly relate to the photo, but I like the mood.
I haven't posted for a long time so I think an update is in order. I'm hoping this won't be too heavy. Sometimes I don't really know until I get going.
It's back baby. I have had some pretty intense dips this last year and it's hard to realize it when you have up times most of the time. When you are always depressed, it's pretty obvious. It turns out that I was calling my sister on a regular monthly basis, admitting that I was crying a lot (like don't know if I can stop for days a lot). She finally said, hey you have been doing this for about a year. You should go to the doctor. It seems so simple. Why didn't I think of that? One side affect of depression for me is denying how bad it is. I'm glad I have people in my life that can help me see that.
I've had my medication adjusted and am starting therapy. My doctor said the most effective form of treatment for depression is medication and therapy. I actually like therapy. It's great talking to someone for an hr and they really listen and they are always on your side. Plus, therapy seriously changed my life while i was dating Willie, like my therapist's name will forever be blessed in our home. I've only been once so far and I think I have a good fit in my new therapist. We hugged (she's a woman). The only thing I don't like about therapy is the cost. Insurance does a bummer of a job covering the visits and she wants me for 12 weeks.
I think i might, in fact, be having a midlife crisis. I suspected it a while back but wasn't sure. I'm not sure if it's because of depression or some other heavy things I'm dealing with, but all I know is that some things can really, really hurt and I'm not sure why. I'm hopeful that things are going to get better. My medication is already helping a lot, and I am a dedicated student and have already jumped into my studies for therapy. We will be using the New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and it's kind of mind bending. It's going to take practice to grasp it. It's like the idea of leaning into your pain when you have a baby. I remember trying that for like one minute while waiting for my epidural with Lula. Running away from my pain is what makes the most sense to me.
I'm not totally sure why I'm putting this out there. I hope I'm not over-sharing. I just hate the idea of depression being a shameful thing to talk about. I don't see a lot of people wanting to hide their struggles with their diabetes. It helps me feel better when I can talk openly about it. It's not my fault and I am not ashamed to take medication. I have several people in my life that like to suggest alternatives to me and I try so hard to see their attempt at caring for me instead of the unspoken shame they are inducing by saying I shouldn't take any medication. I use a doctor for my treatment. That's my choice and I'm okay with it. I need someone qualified, that I trust, that understands the mental illness. I also want people I care about to know how I'm doing. Facebook and instagram posts don't really tell the full story. Who wants to post a picture of themselves crying? Buzz kill. I have a dear mission campion (the one who introduced me to Willie) that posted about her depression close to Robin Williams death. She said that her depression treatment is like walking on sand. I agree.
My depression is just a portion of my life. In general, I'm so happy. That's what is so strange about this whole thing. I don't understand it all. Lula is such a wonderful addition to our family. It's a serious love fest around here. Wyatt and Hank are the dearest creatures. My home (though messy and outdated) is my safe place. I love being here. I love that Willie is my other half.
I think this is all the update I want to do for now. Talking about other things, like getting new quartz countertops in our kitchen (squeal) can come in another post. Oh, and post baby weight loss (so tired of it). When will it be over? Will it be over?
I haven't posted forever. I'm not totally sure why. I've been working in the evenings a lot then a lot of things happen and I feel like I need more time to write about everything. I'm breaking the silence with some pictures. Then I need to write about so many things.
The night before Thanksgiving I made pies and I asked Willie to take this picture of me to match the one I have of my Grandma on my picture wall. It's not very often that we have a whole, picturesque pie. If I waited for morning for better light, there might have have been a piece missing. I'm wearing one of her aprons in the picture. While I was cooking, I listened to a radio story about making pies. It talked about women learning to make pies from their mothers and grandmothers. My grandma was really into pies and I learned a lot from her.
I miss my grandma. She's been gone for about 14 years. She was such a strong influence for good in my life. She worked tirelessly to keep her family close together. I have many memories of dinners and holidays. I want so much to be like her. I haven't turned out to be much of an entertainer, but hopefully I'm like her in other ways. I do know how to make a good pies, though,and I think she'd be proud.
This is what I said to Willie tonight and realized I had said the same thing almost every night for the last two weeks. He said, "Maybe you are sick". That changed everything. If I'm sick, this isn't bad at all. I have a bit of a sore throat, my lungs have been burning, and I'm really tired. I think I'm probably suffering more from being under-slept (from Willie and I staying up recklessly late) than this bug, but since I'm "sick", I decided not to do anything right now but sit on the couch and enjoy myself.
Since I'm sick. I'm also not going to organize my writing very well. Sorry. This is going to be one of those update-ish type of posts. I have to live up this sick thing since I'll probably start feeling better soon.
This baby can do no wrong. We are all in baby heaven. She is the sweetest creature on earth and adorable. There are pictures below to prove it. She is getting around like crazy. Every day she is getting somewhere new. She climbed up on the fireplace hearth and got a handful of ashes. She is now very proud to climb over me when I'm lying on the floor. She is so curious and driven. Her behavior, so far, is just like Hank and Wyatt. I can picture her dreaming about exploring when she's sleeping then waking up and being ready to go again. Actually, after she wakes up, she'll sit on my lap for a few minutes then wiggle to get back on the floor.
She's resourceful. My floors have never been cleaner since she wants to eat everything, but she spends all day looking for choking hazards to put in her mouth. She has an obsession with legos and because of hank's droppings, I often have to take them away from her and she's devastated. She lifts up mats looking for little things and reaches under the fridge. The is a woman of action.
She's getting her first tooth and we all love it. We squeal when we get a peak and we see more of it every day. Wyatt, hank and I tried to get some gum pictures (below) but couldn't get her to smile much. She was giving us more of a regal, collected look. She has graduated from the baby section of the gym daycare to the toddler section where she can crawl around and play with toys.
She has a little cold right now, like her mom, and I can hear her heavy breathing through the baby monitor.
This year we had another Halloween fire and pot luck on 17th Street. I'm so glad we did. We had it last year in front of the Noble's house and they decided to come back this year and we did it in front of our house. We ate and talked and got warm by the fire. Then the kids went out trick or treating. I manned our candy bowl and I could hear Jon Rizzo across the street by his fire, singing and playing the banjo by his candy bowl. The boys made out really well and said it was their best Halloween yet.
I had to first google it and wikepedia said mid-life is somewhere between 40-60, so I'm getting there. Crisis, well that's kind of dramatic. I wouldn't say I'm in a crisis, and after some very quick Wikepedia study, I realize that I am not having a midlife crisis but a midlife stressor. Only about 10% of the people in the United States report having a midlife crisis.
It is important to understand the difference between a midlife crisis and a midlife stressor. Midlife is a time from 40–60 where a person is often evaluating their own life. However, many midlife stressors are often labeled as a midlife crisis. David Almadia states that day to day stressors are likely to add up and be thought of as a crisis but in reality it is simply an "overload".
Researchers have found that midlife is often a time for reflection and reassessment, but this is not always accompanied by the psychological upheaval popularly associated with "midlife crisis."
So I guess a midlife crisis is a big deal and what I'm feeling is much more gentle. It's a yearning. It's the feeling of life passing too fast. It's trying to find a balance between absolutely loving the stage I'm in now but being willing to let it go as we all age. It's wanting to be better, do better things with my time, love more, be outside more, make more soap, take more pictures for me, play more guitar, focus on what matters, etc. Basically, I feel like being a hippy (in a Mormon kind of way). I don't want to love money. I don't want to fill our lives with junk. I want to be spiritually fit. I want to be on our bed with Willie and the kids laughing and snuggling, with sunlight streaming through the windows (on a cool quilt,) as much as possible.
This is not about being unhappy. I'm so happy. Legitimately, happy. I just don't want to waste it running around being busy, rushing or on my phone or working too much. This may sound strange. I'm not sure what it all means. I'm not sure if it will pass and honestly, it could be depression knocking at my door. I've had similar thoughts and feelings before, but this seems more constructive than what I've felt in the past.
So what should I do? Starting soap making was one thing. We actually ran around town collecting tools and ingredients so I could make my first batch the night before I turned 38. It was Willie's present to me. It's something I've always wanted to do and it has really given me a creative charge. More of that needs to come. I can't be putting off things like this.
Photography for hire is going on hold or completely away. I like it, but I like my bookkeeping job even more. It pays well, I'm good at it and it's so flexible. I can work in my pajamas. I can work with a kid on my lap. That is what I need. I do not have room in my life for two jobs. Photography for hire will have to go.
Facebook. I have a really like/ can be annoyed by relationship with facebook. I love my facebook community. I've reconnected with and made some great friends through facebook. It fills a loneliness void. I fear that it shallowly fills that void and prevents me from seeking more non-cyber friendships. I want to stay up all night talking to a good friend. I want to hug a friend and look at each other while we talk. Facebook has also become my mindless zone-out practice. I check too often. It gets too much of me. I still need it, but i'm hoping it can become a once a day kind of thing. Also, do I really need to link to and read every blog post posted on facebook? Do I really need to know the 9 most hated Halloween candies? No. I'll be okay not knowing. I'll end up eating even the most hated Halloween candy (tootsie rolls) if it's the only sugary thing left in our house.
I started reading a book. This is big. I've been a less active English major for years. Having kids has triggered some kind of working with my hands need, so when I have free time I do things. I make things. I love it, but I really miss reading. I also miss writing. I've decided to start keeping a journal again. It's been so many years.
That's it. I'm not having a midlife crisis. I'm having a midlife stresssor and it could end up being a really good thing.