Bridal portaits – Claire
1 day ago
I've been wanting to write down a few thoughts recently but seem to have really busy days and exhausted evenings. Now it's a rainy Sunday and I have a few minutes. I have wanted another baby for several years now and Willie just came on board. Pregnancy and post-pardum are hard times in our life, I could even describe them as dark times. Despite that, I find myself wanting another child. There are a lot of reason and that's a post for another day but mostly I love Wyatt and Hank so much that the possibility of loving someone else like that makes me willing to go through the hard times just one more time. With thoughts of getting pregnant again comes trying to get off my depression medication which leads me to this post.
I have struggles with depression. I am very open about it and not ashamed. I am not crazy. I do not appreciate the stigma that comes along with metal illness. It so unhelpful. It's very old school. If you had diabetes you would probably take insulin, right? If your brain is not making enough serotonin or your own serotonin is not lasting long enough in your brain then you are depressed. So you take synthetic serotonin or a drug that extends the life of your current serotonin, right? I can't believe the crazy things I've heard related to depression, like "just be happy" or "all depression comes from sin" or "you just need more exercise". You get the picture. Lame. I have a friend who's fiance said he would not marry her unless she stopped taking anti-depressants. There are also a lot of myths about anti-depressants. Here is a myth busting article if you are interested. I have found anti-depressants to be such an answer to prayer for me. I found a good SSRI with almost no side effects (but not being depressed) and there is a generic so it's about $10 a month. This medication has returned me to myself. I feel so balanced, I can feel a full range of emotion. I can cry but I can also stop crying at the appropriate time. The drug I take, Zoloft, has also been linked to birth defects when taken during pregnancy.
After Wyatt was born I almost immediately fell into a dark depression. Part of it may have been from the traumatic circumstances following his birth but it did not lift, even as his health improved. I can seriously say that I barely remember those months after his birth. I cried so much. I felt so angry. I wanted to escape. I had horrible anxiety that included irrational fears about Wyatt's safety. I eventually called the doctor and she had a list of questions she asked me and saw me immediately to treat my depression. After starting on medication my life started to get back to normal and I was happy. That's when my memories start again.
I took medication for about a year and came off it fine. After Hank was born everything came back but I started on my medication the week after he was born so I started to feel better in about a month. I came off the mediation a year after Hank was born and after a few months realized I was not ready and wasn't emotionally coping. Anyone who was present at the Stratford Christmas in Ephraim that year saw my rock bottom. I started crying at one point and feel like I didn't stop for two days. I tried supplements, saw a naturopath and drank fish oil, etc and could not get back to feeling normal. I was very resistant to go back on the medication (a symptom of being depressed) because it meant that I was dealing with something more permanent than post-pardum depression. I finally started back on the medication and have felt wonderful and really even ever since.
Last month I started to come off my medication again and about a week and a half after had a surge of sadness return. The feelings are so familiar. My temper starts to get short. I'm irritated easily. Then I start thinking my life is the worst (my life is so not the worst). Then uncontrollable crying. AFter meeting with my doctor there are a few things I have learned. There is a period of evening out when coming off the medication, like a dip before my brain can get an equilibrium. Also, if I can not function well without my medication he would recommend I take the risk of taking it in pregnancy. The medication is a category C which is in the middle of 5 levels ranging from safe to extremely dangerous during pregnancy.
I'm on my way off the medication again and am coming up on two week and feel good. I will go a month before tapering the rest of the way off. The other day I had the impression to spend time in the sun every day. After researching it a little I learned that sunlight in your eyes is the best way to make your own serotonin. Lucky for me we live in a very sunny place, almost all year round. On top of sun, sleep must be a priority (no midnight releases of twilight for me), good nutrition and fish oils and a multi. Also, a major positive force for me is intense exercise.
I am not a missionary for anti-depresasnts and by all means if someone can find a natural way to feel better, then do it. On the other hand, if someone is suffering from depression and their family is suffering because of it, I think meeting with a doctor and getting some help could really turn things around.
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Kate
From a BodyTalk point of view, the soul processes SO MUCH that we are totally unconscious of, especially as a young parent. There are so many new dynamics, such an expenditure of energy and time, and such an enormous shift in the body's operating system that it often happens that brain chemistry becomes imbalanced. The brain just can't catch up. There are so many factors in a depression that the dismissive statements you quoted are so deeply harmful and totally don't get it. There are so many subconscious factors that to say one needs more exercise is really hurtful. In my experience and study, crying is a beneficial process of moving emotions out of the body, and of moving trauma out, including the huge trauma of childbirth (on both mama & baby). In childbirth many genetic memories get activated, such as of women in our line dying in childbirth, and it can be that one of those pieces come alive without us being conscious of it at all, but it takes a bit hit on the body's energy system. We often have no idea why we're crying, but the body is just releasing trauma on many levels. It has its own wisdom and it's releasing what it needs to release. Frankly I really need to spend time just crying, there's been some trauma recently (breakup), but who has the time?
I'm really in awe that you'd post this, Sally. Lots of us, especially lots of mommies, are right where you are. Bless you, dear soul!
Anyway, good luck with the quest for another fuzzy headed baby! I'll be thinking of you.
Thanks for being so open about it. I love you so much more for talking about it.
Good luck with your weaning off and trying for another bambino. You have a great support system... family, friends, church, colleagues.
May the force be with you in your efforts.
MUCH LOVE