8 weeks pregnant

This last month has been hard for me.  I really forgot how hard morning sickness can be.  Part of my  approach with this baby has been to focus on the eventual child that will join our family and try not to think about the hard parts of getting the child here.  That turned out to be a great method because if I had remembered how hard this is, I would not have been so willing.

I started my morning sickness off with a bang by having the stomach flu.  It was so intense I was really scared that I was in for a rough ride.  Hank got it a few days later and though I was sad for him I was really happy it was a virus for me. Once the flu passed the morning sickness set in like my other pregnancies.  I didn't want to eat anything.  All food is disgusting.  Smells are the worst, including the smell of my own clothes.  My stomach is constantly upset and I'm afraid I'm going to throw up somewhere inappropriate.  After loosing several lbs and feeling pretty hopeless, my midwife put me on some anti-neausea medication and I am so, so thankful.  It has majorly improved my ability to function. It hasn't made me all better but I don't throw up and I have found some foods that I can eat.

What's been the hardest is that I feel really depressed.  I never felt this way with Hank or Wyatt but it has come on really strong.  In the morning I wake up feeling bummed out that it's the start of another day.  I have barley touched my cameras.  I don't want to play music. My house is messy.  I'm spending a lot of time lying in bed watching netflix on my phone.  Last Sunday I had no control over my emotions. I could not stop sobbing at church. It was embarrassing.

I'm also really drained by the heat.  Heat has always been my nemesis, but this is bad.  We went on a hike last week and it was cloudy and cool while we hiked deep into a canyon.  Then the sun came out it was probably 90 degrees as we hiked out.  I was going to die.  I felt like fainting, and was going to throw up.  it was like I was from some victorian novel.  The whole thing is so strange.

Besides the morning sickness and depression, I've been able to keep going to the gym with some minor adjustments to my workouts.  My weight training has stayed about the same expect I dropped down in weights a little to preserve my energy during my workouts. I cant' run because the movement makes me more nauseous, but I've been doing about 45 minutes of cardio on the elliptical.  My trainer is gone for a month teaching a football clinic and I found myself being so glad he was leaving so I could slack off.  He left me with a plan to do, which I will, but I can rest more and stop if I don't feel up to it.  We have had a bit of a hard time finding a good working medium.

I had some bleeding early on so we had an ultrasound where we were able to see the babies's hearbeat. Hank and Wyatt and Willie were with me and there have been a lot of anatomy questions from the boys ever since.  They are very curious.  They are so cute.  Having that ultrasound helped me feel more at ease.  With my first pregnancy I didnt' know until 11 weeks that the baby had died and for some reason the placenta will still growing in my uterus.  It was so sad.  Just seeing that there was a baby and a heartbeat made me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.  I know it's not a guarantee but at least we are on the right track.  In my ultrasound they found a fibroid in my uterus (a non cancerous tumor) and I'll be meeting with a specialist in a few weeks to figure out what that means. The doctor and midwife acted like it happens and though it can negatively affect a pregnancy, there are also a lot of women that carry a baby to term with a fibroid.

They boys have been angels.  I'm so thankful they have neighbor friends.  They play most of the day and come lay by me on the bed and snuggle with me.  They pray for me and the baby.  They are excited.  Hank comes in first thing in the morning to share my cup of cereal I eat before I get out of bed. Willie's been great about making dinner and running to the store to replenish whatever food I am currently eating. Right now it's peaches and bagels and sesame chicken from a local Chinese restaurant (the first meat I've been able to eat in weeks).  My diet is really poor which no doubt is affecting my depression.  I'm hoping for a great second trimeter.  With my other pregnancies I can camp and hike during my second trimeter and really feel great.

A Poem

I just had a poem published in a BYU studies journal. It was a fun surprise to get an email from them today.

Girls camp was great this year.  This image is one that I took at dusk of Ragged Mountain.  After 4 years of photographing the same place, I realized that most of my imagery was very literal.  I wondered what an image would look like that felt like a memory.  This is what I came up with.  I feel like if I had a small print of this with a lot of white space around it, that every now and again, I'd walk by and get the feeling of ragged mountain.  We'll see how it prints. I also took several rolls of film, but as we all know, it will be weeks before I see my scans.  If you are interested in other pictures you can view my digital ones here.

Part of what made this trip different for me is that I knew it might be my last.  I was pretty sure I was pregnant on the trip, but had not had a positive pregnancy test so I had a little bit of doubt. I was happy for the hike because I was blowing through all our money on negative pregnancy tests.  Once I started on the trail with my backpack on, I was so out of breath. I felt out of shape, which I'm not, so I knew something was up.  The day after I got home I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I guess you could say this is an announcement of sorts, but I feel like no one really reads my blog and I'm happy to share the info with any of my friends.  I find it old school to wait until 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy, but I see the wisdom in it, especially after miscarrying my first pregnancy.  Still it's just not me. I think I wouldn't want to make a facebook announcement or anything because that means if there was a miscarriage, that would entail another awkward facebook announcement

Anyway, back to the hike.  Knowing that I hopefully wouldn't be back next year because I'd have a new baby, made me savor the whole experience more.  Like usual I was so impressed with the girls.  They are really smart and they want to do good with their lives.  They have plans for college.  They talk about helping other people. They braid each other's hair. They are respectful and funny and emotional. I love the leaders too.  Betsy is so great.  We don't get to spend much time together during the year, but I love spending so much time with her. She's really funny and we are good friends.  This year Megan came also and it was so great having her along.  I loved getting to know her.

As leaders, we stayed up even later than the girls talking.  Part of that is that I seem to have some kind of camping insomnia and can never sleep and want to talk.  We stayed up late laughing and talking about fun things like budgeting, health insurance, our families, how we met our husbands and of course, sharing our birth stories.

We also had along some great priesthood (mormon talk for men leaders) leaders that I loved talking with.  They all carry guns, which I find comforting and creepy at the same time.  I've had several offers to help address my gun fear issues. These are great men and all of us leaders have a strong love of the outdoors in common. The girls not so much.  It's funny to me that a good portion of the girls don't want to be out backpacking.  I love it.

I was emotional on this trip and at one point we were praying together as leaders back at camp and i was overcome with a feeling of gratitude and couldn't help but cry.  It's been a great experience for me.

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