I had to first google it and wikepedia said mid-life is somewhere between 40-60, so I'm getting there.  Crisis, well that's kind of dramatic.  I wouldn't say I'm in a crisis, and after some very quick Wikepedia study, I realize that I am not having a midlife crisis but a midlife stressor.  Only about 10% of the people in the United States report having a midlife crisis.

It is important to understand the difference between a midlife crisis and a midlife stressor. Midlife is a time from 40–60 where a person is often evaluating their own life. However, many midlife stressors are often labeled as a midlife crisis. David Almadia states that day to day stressors are likely to add up and be thought of as a crisis but in reality it is simply an "overload".

Researchers have found that midlife is often a time for reflection and reassessment, but this is not always accompanied by the psychological upheaval popularly associated with "midlife crisis."

So I guess a midlife crisis is a big deal and what I'm feeling is much more gentle. It's a yearning.  It's the feeling of life passing too fast.  It's trying to find a balance between absolutely loving the stage I'm in now but being willing to let it go as we all age.  It's wanting to be better, do better things with my time, love more, be outside more, make more soap, take more pictures for me, play more guitar, focus on what matters, etc.  Basically, I feel like being a hippy (in a Mormon kind of way). I don't want to love money.  I don't want to fill our lives with junk. I want to be spiritually fit. I want to be on our bed with Willie and the kids laughing and snuggling, with sunlight streaming through the windows (on a cool quilt,) as much as possible.

This is not about being unhappy. I'm so happy. Legitimately, happy. I just don't want to waste it running around being busy, rushing or on my phone or working too much.  This may sound strange.  I'm not sure what it all means. I'm not sure if it will pass and honestly, it could be depression knocking at my door.  I've had similar thoughts and feelings before, but this seems more constructive than what I've felt in the past.

So what should I do?  Starting soap making was one thing.  We actually ran around town collecting tools and ingredients so I could make my first batch the night before I turned 38. It was Willie's present to me.  It's something I've always wanted to do and it has really given me a creative charge.  More of that needs to come.  I can't be putting off things like this.

Photography for hire is going on hold or completely away.  I like it, but I like my bookkeeping job even more. It pays well, I'm good at it and it's so flexible. I can work in my pajamas. I can work with a kid on my lap. That is what I need.  I do not have room in my life for two jobs.  Photography for hire will have to go.

Facebook. I have a really like/ can be annoyed by relationship with facebook.  I love my facebook community.  I've reconnected with and made some great friends through facebook.  It fills a loneliness void.  I fear that it shallowly fills that void and prevents me from seeking more non-cyber friendships.  I want to stay up all night talking to a good friend.  I want to hug a friend and look at each other while we talk. Facebook has also become my mindless zone-out practice.  I check too often.  It gets too much of me.  I still need it, but i'm hoping it can become a once a day kind of thing.  Also, do I really need to link to and read every blog post posted on facebook?  Do I really need to know the 9 most hated Halloween candies?  No.  I'll be okay not knowing.  I'll end up eating even the most hated Halloween candy (tootsie rolls) if it's the only sugary thing left in our house.

I started reading a book.  This is big. I've been a less active English major for years.  Having kids has triggered some kind of working with my hands need, so when I have free time I do things. I make things. I love it, but I really miss reading. I also miss writing.  I've decided to start keeping a journal again. It's been so many years.

That's it.  I'm not having a midlife crisis.  I'm having a midlife stresssor and it could end up being a really good thing.

We decided to stay a night on the Mesa last night and I'm so glad we did.  We had some friends stay at these cabins so I called and reserved one for last night.  It was so fun.  The cabins are rustic but not as rustic as we've stayed in before.  They had heat and electricity and hot water.  Compared to a tent, that's luxury.  With it getting colder, I love the idea of a heated place for the kids.  

We went up Sunday afternoon and spent time hanging out by the lake and making dinner.  This morning, Willie and the boys took a row boat out on the lake and explored all around.  Lula and I did some hiking and she did some napping.  

Last night I went down to the dock on the lake and enjoyed the stars.  The lake reminded me so much of Lake Arrowhead where I grew up. It is smaller, and totally unpopulated but the tree-lined horizon and the sound of the lapping water really brought me back.  When I was a kid, I'd love to sit on the docks with my friends and look at the stars.

It was really nice having a few days in such a peaceful place. I had fun taking pictures.  I used a film camera when we were exploring the lake, but here are a few pictures I took with my digital camera.

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