I needed a picture for this post and I like this one.  My post doesn't directly relate to the photo, but I like the mood.

I haven't posted for a long time so I think an update is in order. I'm hoping this won't be too heavy. Sometimes I don't really know until I get going.


It's back baby.  I have had some pretty intense dips this last year and it's hard to realize it when you have up times most of the time.  When you are always depressed, it's pretty obvious.  It turns out that I was calling  my sister on a regular monthly basis, admitting that I was crying a lot (like don't know if I can stop for days a lot).  She finally said, hey you have been doing this for about a year.  You should go to the doctor.  It seems so simple.  Why didn't I think of that?  One side affect of depression for me is denying how bad it is.  I'm glad I have people in my life that can help me see that.

I've had my medication adjusted and am starting therapy.  My doctor said the most effective form of treatment for depression is medication and therapy. I actually like therapy.  It's great talking to someone for an hr and they really listen and they are always on your side.  Plus, therapy seriously changed my life while i was dating Willie, like my therapist's name will forever be blessed in our home.  I've only been once so far and I think I have a good fit in my new therapist.  We hugged (she's a woman). The only thing I don't like about therapy is the cost.  Insurance does a bummer of a job covering the visits and she wants me for 12 weeks.

I think i might, in fact, be having a midlife crisis.  I suspected it a while back but wasn't sure.  I'm not sure if it's because of depression or some other heavy things I'm dealing with, but all I know is that some things can really, really hurt and I'm not sure why. I'm hopeful that things are going to get better.  My medication is already helping a lot, and I am a dedicated student and have already jumped into my studies for therapy.  We will be using the New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and it's kind of mind bending.  It's going to take practice to grasp it.  It's like the idea of leaning into your pain when you have a baby. I remember trying that for like one minute while waiting for my epidural with Lula. Running away from my pain is what makes the most sense to me.

I'm not totally sure why I'm putting this out there.  I hope I'm not over-sharing. I just hate the idea of depression being a shameful thing to talk about.  I don't see a lot of people wanting to hide their struggles with their diabetes.  It helps me feel better when I can talk openly about it. It's not my fault and I am not ashamed to take medication. I have several people in my life that like to suggest alternatives to me and I try so hard to see their attempt at caring for me instead of the unspoken shame they are inducing by saying I shouldn't take any medication.  I use a doctor for my treatment.  That's my choice and I'm okay with it.  I need someone qualified, that I trust, that understands the mental illness.  I also want people I care about to know how I'm doing.  Facebook and instagram posts don't really tell the full story.  Who wants to post a picture of themselves crying?  Buzz kill.  I have a dear mission campion (the one who introduced me to Willie) that posted about her depression close to Robin Williams death.  She said that her depression treatment is like walking on sand.  I agree.

My depression is just a portion of my life. In general, I'm so happy. That's what is so strange about this whole thing.  I don't understand it all. Lula is such a wonderful addition to our family. It's a serious love fest around here.  Wyatt and Hank are the dearest creatures. My home (though messy and outdated) is my safe place.  I love being here.  I love that Willie is my other half.

I think this is all the update I want to do for now.  Talking about other things, like getting new quartz countertops in our kitchen (squeal) can come in another post. Oh, and post baby weight loss (so tired of it). When will it be over?  Will it be over?

Yes, I'm writing about this.  I don't really want to, but writing is how I organize my thoughts.  I'm tired of reading things about Kate Kelly's excommunication and Mormon feminism, I'm so exhausted but my voice matters. My experience matters. This subject matters. I've actualy tried to write about my feelings before but it always stays in my draft folder.  There are several reasons.  One, the subject is so large that it's hard to organize my writing.  A blog post is not enough.  A dissertation or book of memoirs maybe, not a blog post.  Also, I'm afraid to share my feelings. Something positive that's come out of this whole church/feminism/ Ordain Women drama is that people are talking about it.  I'm not as afraid to be me.

I have to preface this with the fact that I am a woman of faith.  I am a disciple of Christ.  I want to serve. I do have doubts, but I also have a lot of hope.  There are so many things I hope are true. My religion has been front and center in my life for my whole life.  I have had many spiritual experiences. I've felt so much peace.  I feel like it's in my DNA. I feel the strength of my ancestors who viewed the prophet Joseph Smith's body after he was killed, walked across the plains to find peace, and built up a life on the beautiful land in Utah. My grandmother, a temple matron, would sit me in front of the mirrors in her bathroom and teach me about eternity. I spent countless mornings snuggling next to my mother in her bed while she read to me from the scriptures. I am invested.  This is my path, but I don't always fit the mold of the Mormon woman (spoiler alert, there isn't a mold).

There is also pain in the church for me. I thought I'd try to explain. I know a lot of people have a hard time understanding.  I'm not sure I know all the reasons myself.  I understand things in imagery, and last night I had several images run through my mind as I was trying to fall asleep.  It helped me to understand what I was feeling. Just because I struggle with these issues doesn't mean that I think everyone should see it my way.  I'm actually jealous of women in the church that love the way things are set up.  I envy people that never doubt.  This is me, though.  It does not make me less of a Mormon.

I need to preface this with, I am a feminist and have been for almost as long as I can remember.  If you are surprised I am a feminist, you might not fully understand what a feminist is.  Actually, when I hear someone say, "I'm not a feminist" I am so baffled.  I just thought everyone would think men and women are equal (I did not say the same) and should be afforded the same opportunities, respect and value.  When I was young, I was warned about being a "women's libber".  I was told to stay away from feminism. There was shame associated with it, but once I got to college it was a feast. I learned so much.  I had the support of wonderful professors and had so much to read and think about.  I had private conversations in offices with wonderful women who instructed me and taught me with love.  They were also woman of faith. I felt like this was my awakening.  I learned language to explain feelings that I have always had. But with this awakening came troubling feelings that I didn't know how to reconcile.

For a while, I felt so much confusion and sadness surrounding polygamy in the church.  No matter how people tried to explain it, the thought of a woman being required (for salvation) to share her sexual partner was so degrading. Women seemed to be given as rewards, prizes to men. I remember one evening I was driving to a friend's cabin with Willie and two other friends.  It was a long drive and it was snowing.  We were in a deep, safe conversation and this is the first time I vocalized that I felt like God must not love me as much as a man if he and his prophets and church treated women like this.  I finally realized why it hurt so bad. I felt unloved by God.

My next moment of realization was in the temple a year or so later.  I was sitting on a bench reading in the scriptures.  I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants about polygamy. I was thinking about the words "unto my husband". It was always right there, bothering me, hurting me.  Then I had a moment of realization where God and the church separated. I could see that the church was not always right.  Humans make mistakes.  Understanding is limited. I didn't have to have answers to everything.  I didn't need to explain everything. This was the start of my managing the paradox of a human organization and an eternal God and where I fit in.  God did love me as much as a man.  If it didn't seem like it in the church, then I had to first believe God and then forgive the humans running his church.

That was about 14 years ago.  For the most part, I have been so happy in the church. I have had wonderful leaders.  I have loved my bishops and my mission president and my Stake Presidents. I have been respected and given opportunities to learn and serve.  I have a spouse who is my equal partner.  There is no presiding in our home, just partnering.  But there has always been this yearning for female voice in the church. What about Heavenly Mother?  Do we not have any information about her because she doesn't exist? Some people say there are many Heavenly Mothers (something I do not believe).  Why aren't we seeking more knowledge about her? Why are there only men on the stand?  We seldom hear women's voices in general conference. I started to feel a great void for the voice of women in the church.  This is not anger or power grabbing.  It is sorrow.  We have inherited patriarchy.  It's everywhere, not just in the church, but in the church it is solid.  It is so strong. It's defended as God's way. I don't place blame but I yearn for change. I don't think having one gender holding the power (spiritual, administrative, decision making, financial, doctrinal) is beneficial to anyone.  

Then Ordain Women came on the scene.  I had never seriously thought about women's ordination. It was too foreign. It was too extreme. Then once the subject started to come up more, it took about 15 minutes of seriously thinking about it and my mind opened up.  I saw myself standing in the circle when my babies were blessed.  I saw me inviting my mother to join in the circle.  I saw me administering to Willie when he was in need, something so personal and wonderful.  I saw sister missionaries finding joy bringing the converts they love into the waters of baptism.  I saw sisters from the Relief Society giving blessings to women about to give birth, like our early Mormon ancestors. I saw Young Women blessing and passing the sacrament. I saw women's voices being recorded in the scriptures and in our lesson manuals. I saw women speaking in general conference with stories and experiences that I recognized, teaching and expounding doctrine.  I saw women on the stand. I felt a wholeness.  I saw a true partnership of the men and women in the church. Just the possibility of it healed me. Just imagining it gave me so much hope. I realized that what I was feeling was a righteous desire.  I was okay that we weren't there yet, but I hoped for change.  

I have admitted that the approach of Ordain Women made me uncomfortable, but silently I felt guilty for Kate Kelly taking the fall for opening such a wonderful conversation and giving so much hope.  I loved her for it and every time someone spoke unkindly about her or Ordain Women, it felt like they were saying the same to me. It came up so much at church.  It hurt and I tried to defend her.  I tried to defend us.  Part of me can't believe she'd even try to rock the boat. You can't do that! Another part of me realized that this was the only way to be heard.  It was the only way for us to start talking.  Then when she was excommunicated, my hope was gone.  Then came pain and a lot of tears. I had a false hope. I thought things could change.  I thought the brethren would pray about women's ordination or at least try to listen.  I thought other members of the church would see what I saw. Instead, they cast her out. 

People can write lengthly explanations about why Kate should have been excommunicated or how she was wrong, or how she deserved it, but all I feel is the loss of my hope.  People can speculate about why women don't hold the priesthood, but nothing feels right to me. Now I have to raise a daughter and explain to her that God does love her as much as a man and she has great potential as a complex, multifaceted daughter of God even when it doesn't always feel like it in our church.  

Lula's true love is outdoor exploration.  When we come home from anywhere, she is so sad when I make her come inside.  We need to get our fence back up so she can spend more time in the front yard.  Today she played in the sprinklers with Wyatt and Hank.  

A Post

I haven't posted forever.  I'm not totally sure why. I've been working in the evenings a lot then a lot of things happen and I feel like I need more time to write about everything.  I'm breaking the silence with some pictures.  Then I need to write about so many things.


The night before Thanksgiving I made pies and I asked Willie to take this picture of me to match the one I have of my Grandma on my picture wall.  It's not very often that we have a whole, picturesque pie.  If I waited for morning for better light, there might have have been a piece missing.  I'm wearing one of her aprons in the picture. While I was cooking, I listened to a radio story about making pies.  It talked about women learning to make pies from their mothers and grandmothers.  My grandma was really into pies and I learned a lot from her.

I miss my grandma.  She's been gone for about 14 years.  She was such a strong influence for good in my life.  She worked tirelessly to keep her family close together. I have many memories of dinners and holidays. I want so much to be like her. I haven't turned out to be much of an entertainer, but hopefully I'm like her in other ways.  I do know how to make a good pies, though,and I think she'd be proud.

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