I needed a picture for this post and I like this one.  My post doesn't directly relate to the photo, but I like the mood.

I haven't posted for a long time so I think an update is in order. I'm hoping this won't be too heavy. Sometimes I don't really know until I get going.

Depression

It's back baby.  I have had some pretty intense dips this last year and it's hard to realize it when you have up times most of the time.  When you are always depressed, it's pretty obvious.  It turns out that I was calling  my sister on a regular monthly basis, admitting that I was crying a lot (like don't know if I can stop for days a lot).  She finally said, hey you have been doing this for about a year.  You should go to the doctor.  It seems so simple.  Why didn't I think of that?  One side affect of depression for me is denying how bad it is.  I'm glad I have people in my life that can help me see that.

I've had my medication adjusted and am starting therapy.  My doctor said the most effective form of treatment for depression is medication and therapy. I actually like therapy.  It's great talking to someone for an hr and they really listen and they are always on your side.  Plus, therapy seriously changed my life while i was dating Willie, like my therapist's name will forever be blessed in our home.  I've only been once so far and I think I have a good fit in my new therapist.  We hugged (she's a woman). The only thing I don't like about therapy is the cost.  Insurance does a bummer of a job covering the visits and she wants me for 12 weeks.

I think i might, in fact, be having a midlife crisis.  I suspected it a while back but wasn't sure.  I'm not sure if it's because of depression or some other heavy things I'm dealing with, but all I know is that some things can really, really hurt and I'm not sure why. I'm hopeful that things are going to get better.  My medication is already helping a lot, and I am a dedicated student and have already jumped into my studies for therapy.  We will be using the New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and it's kind of mind bending.  It's going to take practice to grasp it.  It's like the idea of leaning into your pain when you have a baby. I remember trying that for like one minute while waiting for my epidural with Lula. Running away from my pain is what makes the most sense to me.

I'm not totally sure why I'm putting this out there.  I hope I'm not over-sharing. I just hate the idea of depression being a shameful thing to talk about.  I don't see a lot of people wanting to hide their struggles with their diabetes.  It helps me feel better when I can talk openly about it. It's not my fault and I am not ashamed to take medication. I have several people in my life that like to suggest alternatives to me and I try so hard to see their attempt at caring for me instead of the unspoken shame they are inducing by saying I shouldn't take any medication.  I use a doctor for my treatment.  That's my choice and I'm okay with it.  I need someone qualified, that I trust, that understands the mental illness.  I also want people I care about to know how I'm doing.  Facebook and instagram posts don't really tell the full story.  Who wants to post a picture of themselves crying?  Buzz kill.  I have a dear mission campion (the one who introduced me to Willie) that posted about her depression close to Robin Williams death.  She said that her depression treatment is like walking on sand.  I agree.

My depression is just a portion of my life. In general, I'm so happy. That's what is so strange about this whole thing.  I don't understand it all. Lula is such a wonderful addition to our family. It's a serious love fest around here.  Wyatt and Hank are the dearest creatures. My home (though messy and outdated) is my safe place.  I love being here.  I love that Willie is my other half.

I think this is all the update I want to do for now.  Talking about other things, like getting new quartz countertops in our kitchen (squeal) can come in another post. Oh, and post baby weight loss (so tired of it). When will it be over?  Will it be over?

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