An Update


I needed a picture for this post and I like this one.  My post doesn't directly relate to the photo, but I like the mood.

I haven't posted for a long time so I think an update is in order. I'm hoping this won't be too heavy. Sometimes I don't really know until I get going.

Depression

It's back baby.  I have had some pretty intense dips this last year and it's hard to realize it when you have up times most of the time.  When you are always depressed, it's pretty obvious.  It turns out that I was calling  my sister on a regular monthly basis, admitting that I was crying a lot (like don't know if I can stop for days a lot).  She finally said, hey you have been doing this for about a year.  You should go to the doctor.  It seems so simple.  Why didn't I think of that?  One side affect of depression for me is denying how bad it is.  I'm glad I have people in my life that can help me see that.

I've had my medication adjusted and am starting therapy.  My doctor said the most effective form of treatment for depression is medication and therapy. I actually like therapy.  It's great talking to someone for an hr and they really listen and they are always on your side.  Plus, therapy seriously changed my life while i was dating Willie, like my therapist's name will forever be blessed in our home.  I've only been once so far and I think I have a good fit in my new therapist.  We hugged (she's a woman). The only thing I don't like about therapy is the cost.  Insurance does a bummer of a job covering the visits and she wants me for 12 weeks.

I think i might, in fact, be having a midlife crisis.  I suspected it a while back but wasn't sure.  I'm not sure if it's because of depression or some other heavy things I'm dealing with, but all I know is that some things can really, really hurt and I'm not sure why. I'm hopeful that things are going to get better.  My medication is already helping a lot, and I am a dedicated student and have already jumped into my studies for therapy.  We will be using the New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and it's kind of mind bending.  It's going to take practice to grasp it.  It's like the idea of leaning into your pain when you have a baby. I remember trying that for like one minute while waiting for my epidural with Lula. Running away from my pain is what makes the most sense to me.

I'm not totally sure why I'm putting this out there.  I hope I'm not over-sharing. I just hate the idea of depression being a shameful thing to talk about.  I don't see a lot of people wanting to hide their struggles with their diabetes.  It helps me feel better when I can talk openly about it. It's not my fault and I am not ashamed to take medication. I have several people in my life that like to suggest alternatives to me and I try so hard to see their attempt at caring for me instead of the unspoken shame they are inducing by saying I shouldn't take any medication.  I use a doctor for my treatment.  That's my choice and I'm okay with it.  I need someone qualified, that I trust, that understands the mental illness.  I also want people I care about to know how I'm doing.  Facebook and instagram posts don't really tell the full story.  Who wants to post a picture of themselves crying?  Buzz kill.  I have a dear mission campion (the one who introduced me to Willie) that posted about her depression close to Robin Williams death.  She said that her depression treatment is like walking on sand.  I agree.

My depression is just a portion of my life. In general, I'm so happy. That's what is so strange about this whole thing.  I don't understand it all. Lula is such a wonderful addition to our family. It's a serious love fest around here.  Wyatt and Hank are the dearest creatures. My home (though messy and outdated) is my safe place.  I love being here.  I love that Willie is my other half.

I think this is all the update I want to do for now.  Talking about other things, like getting new quartz countertops in our kitchen (squeal) can come in another post. Oh, and post baby weight loss (so tired of it). When will it be over?  Will it be over?

7 Comments:

  1. Reb said...
    I love that you are okay talking about depression. I does seem that there are many topics that are supposedly hush, hush to many people. I try to be very open talking about my depression, especially with a daughter who felt okay enough to tell me she wished she would just die last month. If you don't talk about it, it just gets worse. I think we all need to find just the right combo of what we need (natural stuff, medications). We are each individuals and will all react differently. Take care! Lots of love your way. Rebecca
    Travis said...
    Figure out the talk therapy and then give me some tips for laypter this year when I go in!
    B-Team said...
    Sally thank you so much for sharing something so personal. I think you are amazing! I too have struggled with depression as a child, teen, and young adult. Elder Jeffrey R Holland gave a wonderful talk called like a broken vessel". It does a really good job of explaining depression to people. If you ever need to talk I'm always available I love you
    Amy said...
    I'm glad I got a shout out in this entry. I'm glad you have a nice therapist. I love you.
    kate said...
    Thanks so much Sally. One problem with social media is that it usually paints such a rosy picture of people's lives. That part is good to see, and I understand wanting to emphasize the positive most of time, but in my moments of darkness I sometimes feel all alone as I (wrongly) imagine everyone else enjoying their constantly blissful, exciting, fulfilling lives. It so good to hear you talk so openly about the real stuff in your life.
    Anonymous said...
    I'm so glad that you can recognize all the great stuff in life even as you go through your emotional struggles-- and i don't describe them as such to diminish them.

    I dislike medications for most things-- unless one needs them, of course. that's the trick. there are always side effects, but when they're needed they're quite literally a Godsend.

    While you sort things out, enjoy the beautiful fall days and the cold that pushes us to the cozy things we've missed all summer.

    Don't forget that you're amazing.

    Chris
    Kathy said...
    Not long ago I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting using Elder Holland's talk on depression as the topic. I don't like calling attention to myself when I speak, but this time I used personal experiences with depression as examples of what Elder Holland said in his talk.It really turned out to be a good talk with lots of feedback from others who take antidepressants.
    I don't really think about my depression too much since I've been taking antidepressants the past few years. But I think it will always be there in the background. At different times of life it is more challenging. The worst was when my kids were teenagers, and it has been bad during menopause. That's when I decided I was tired of working so hard trying to manage the depression, and started on antidepressants. At first I felt like I was on vacation. My stress level is so much lower on meds, and I can be a good, even-keeled dentist and business owner.
    I find that the depression is always worse in Spring and Fall. Not sure why, but others I have talked to feel the same.
    One major annoyance that really bothers me with the meds is that it really affects my memory. I know I'm getting older, but I think it's the meds that is making me forget things. My short term memory is OK, but I have a hard time remembering things that happened a long time ago. I notice it mostly when I'm around my kids and they say, "Remember when . . . .?" and I don't remember when. Usually after I think about it for awhile, i can remember.
    I'm currently reading a book you suggested,"Daring Greatly". I'm enjoying it.
    Hope you can find a way to manage your depression with a good balance of therapy, meds and whatever else works for you.

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